I wonder if you held me close when I was a baby. Did you steal every chance you could get to simply gaze at your own precious being, your innocent, teeny tiny creation or was it hard to even look at me; regretting bringing me into the life you and my father had created? I don't blame you for leaving; well, I don't blame you as much anymore; I'm working on the not blaming-you-at-all business. I understand you may have felt it was the only thing you could do so I suppose I can forgive you. Mostly, I forgive you because I became who I am today because of the path I had to walk along the way. I'm pretty spectacular and you, Miss, are the one who missed out. But by God, have you, in some sort of ironic way, taught me how to appreciate children, how to be there for them every single step of the way, and how to teach them how much they mean to me just to simply have them apart of my day. I'll be an even more spectacular mother some day than I even am my own person and it's just too bad I'm afraid you'll probably miss out on that as well.
The only thing I wonder is whether or not you would have made me feel how much I was worth without me having to figure it out on my own after so many years; that's what parents do, you know? They make you actually feel how much you are worth before life summons you to find it all by yourself. And I can't lie, it would have been nice. And I can't lie, I probably would have avoided so many boys I should have never wasted a single second on in the first place. But those are the sort of experiences, you just have to say "it is what it is" and significantly just try and change your ways which I have. A 360 sort of change.
But enough about you because I have someone who was actually there and always will be to talk about. Someone who never became just a figment of my imagination and never will.
I think it must have been my brothers, my sister, that held me the most. In particular, Christopher, since he is still the one human being on this Earth that holds me in place with the best grip; when I'm at my worst or at my best or simply just where I am at. When I can tell he wants to get angry at me, he still talks to me with a level head no matter how much of a jerk I am being. When I have to go to the hospital at 3 in the morning and I'm crying my eyes out over getting an IV put in my arm, he's holding my hand cracking jokes even though he probably feels more pain than me seeing me revert back into an infant because I hate needles. He takes care of me for days when I am sick and sleeps on the floor so I can have his entire bed to my germ infested self; now, who else in the world would ever do that for me? He feels proud for the things that I do as if he is doing the same things himself and he pretty much is because God knows I would not have had half the courage to achieve the things I have without him in my life. As a matter of fact, I probably would have given up a long time ago if, every time I wanted to, he was not there to save my life and light the fire within me again. He is most definitely my anchor; the person who motivated me the most to show this world my thunder.
My family is not perfect and never will be. We very rarely even see one another; I have not seen my mother since I was seven and I will never figure out how I really feel towards my father for a million and one reasons. Mostly because he is not here anymore if I ever even did want to speak to him, sort out my crazy mixed up emotions. But I do forgive the both of them; so much so that I even feel I should thank them. They may not have raised me but they are apart of me; they set in place the perpetual groove that eventually spun me and I, for one, am very proud of me. My family would most likely be on an episode of Jerry Springer than be the next cast of Full House. But I wouldn't change it for anything. I have had all the family I need to have jam-packed into my siblings and my aunt for 21 years, now. It took losing my parents to find much more amazing ones in my siblings; and I only feel foolish for ever feeling lost because I overlooked what I had all along.
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